Oblivion

3 years ago I was totally unaware that a large tumor was growing inside my kidney. I'm reminded of this as I approach the 'anniversary scans' that check that no nasties have taken refuge in any of my other vital organs. Despite existing well on only one kidney I'm not yet ready to let go of anything else and so I await the appointment letter with more than a little trepidation.
However, day to day I push thoughts of the C word as far as possible from my consciousness and prefer to focus on having a fit and healthy lifestyle. For this reason my daily life now compared to 3 years ago is quite different and this in turn has altered my mindset.
I no longer drink - I've tried but I am officially a lightweight compared to back then. The lack of alcoholic courage has meant I don't socialise in the same places (most require dutch courage before entering). My fiddle is hardly played as this pass time mainly took place in pubs and clubs and again, drink 'enhanced' my fiddling experience - as well as my irish dancing.
I closed my former business when I was first diagnosed and although revisited it briefly afterwards, I was no longer excited by the fashion world and found it difficult even to like it anymore.
My appearance also changed dramatically, gone are multicoloured dreadlocks and mohicans and my wardrobe is a lot less bizarre nowadays.
Before my cancer diagnosis I was in a complete state of oblivion. Not only was I blissfully unaware of the sinister goings on in my kidney, I didn't think that my lifestyle was all that bad. It's taken 3 years for me to have a good hard look at my former self and realise I was maybe pushing a few too many boundaries health wise.
I suppose I'll never know whether I drank too much, my sugar intake was too high, added too much salt to meals etc. The point is that I don't repeat the same mistakes, just in case.
I've now returned to a largely vegetarian diet and limit sugar and dairy intake as well as avoiding salt where I can. I drink plenty of water and although I've raised a couple of glasses since, my alcohol intake is negligible.
The reason I run also has a lot to do with my mindset post cancer. One of the fears I've had is of the scans picking up metastasis on my lungs, the sneaky f***ers seem to make a beeline there in many kidney cancer cases. If I can run then I feel I'd know if there were any issues in that department.
The one thing I would love to be able to do is return to that oblivion, but I wouldn't know then what I know now and some valuable lessons have been learned.
So, as I approach that anniversary date I'm making a conscious effort to be aware of the lifestyle changes I can continue to make to lead a healthier life. Leaving nothing to chance.

Running From Cancer

I haven't written since November last year, the muse left me big time.
In my last post I mentioned that I'd been invited to speak at a Kidney Cancer Information Day in Birmingham and that a blog would follow...it didn't. I now feel I've left it so long it's hard to give an accurate account of the day itself. As I initially wrote this blog retrospectively I suppose it's a trait of mine. Those issues which I find hardest to deal with I tuck away and leave a while before addressing or in the case of my blog, sharing.
The last time I wrote concerned the start of my new business which has been largely inspired by running and yoga which I attribute with my recuperation. Since then I have begun a new blog Sew Fit, Sew Healthy This has been a conscious effort on my part to distance myself from the C word and focus on the F word, Fitness.
The problem is that when I log into the new blog (as I just have) there is An Unfashionable Cancer reminding me that I need to catch up, write, update.
The Kidney Cancer Information Day was definitely a turning point. It was an excellent event put on by The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer It is this charity that has given me so much advice and support and so I was more than happy to give an account of my kidney cancer story on the day. However, the impact of preparing for and then actually speaking out loud had a profound effect on me.
I couldn't find the positivity I wanted to relay, my experience had been - in my opinion, awful and hopefully not common amongst kidney cancer patients. Other than thanking the Fund for their help during my illness I just wanted to apologise for having shared this tale with the audience, I even gave a disclaimer before starting! When those assembled then gave me a round of applause I just wanted to cry, I wanted to ask 'Why are you clapping, this isn't how it's supposed to be'. I just felt awful.
Afterwards, I spoke to a few of the patients there, only 5 others attended which again made me so sad, despite all the hard work and effort the Fund puts in this cancer and others like it are just not getting recognition - in my opinion. Those patients who had been through or were still being treated for kidney cancer each had similar stories of poor care, lack of information, isolation, lack of medication, no access to support etc.
When I left the hotel that day I just wanted to run, literally run away from my association with kidney cancer. I had an overwhelming feeling of 'what's the point?' I felt guilty for having shared my story rather than pride in getting up there which is why putting it into words has proven so difficult.
The longer I left it, the harder it became until the urge to put kidney cancer firmly behind me in every sense grew and grew.
This was made even harder by another action I took following the Information Day. If nothing else, one of the pieces of advice I took and followed through with was to pursue my medical records. In light of what I went through maybe I'd find answers there. Bad move.
I could write a huge essay on those findings but will sum it up as succinctly as I can; Multiple wrong diagnosis recorded, drug administration incorrect, drugs given inadequate, pain levels recorded as 0 when at the time they were off the scale and it went on. The most infuriating letter was one from the consultant to my GP afterwards which managed to get the size and grade of my tumor wrong despite histology reports to the contrary. It is a complete farce.
You may ask what I've done with this large document of information which adds insult to injury - literally. I've shoved it to the back of a cupboard where it can stay until I can face reading it again.
And there it is. The reason I want to run from cancer, the reason I want to focus on running and fitness, the reason I haven't shared these feelings earlier. What's the point.
Until 'Cancer' is recognised across the board with equal access to funding, support and in general help then I can't keep banging on about kidney cancer. Along with other lesser known forms of the disease it just isn't dealt with using the same gravity as those ranked higher and that's the truth.
In my talk back in November I included the experience I'd had in Clinton's card shop - not one I'm alone in having. When offered the obligatory pens for certain cancers I'd reacted by saying, When you have a pen that funds 'Cancer' research I'll buy it. Still waiting.
I'll revisit this blog as and when I can or need to, I still of course have a way to go before I'm given that all clear signal. There will be scans and so on which I'll update here on the blog. Other than that I have nothing else to add for now and will focus on the F word as the C word is just far too offensive for me right now.

Running - A Business

When I first closed my business, Missfit Creations it was from necessity as my kidney cancer had just introduced itself. It took over 12 months for me to start back up but my heart just hadn't been in the fashion business any longer and I closed Missfit finally earlier this year.
During my recovery I was introduced to yoga by my physiotherapist and also discovered running as a way of keeping fit and feeling good.  My love for this new found fitness lifestyle grew as did my running bug and pretty soon I was running 3 times a week and entering races. I'm an avid UKRunChat member and fashion apps have been replaced by run apps where I closely monitor my personal best. I'd never have thought I'd also be enjoying yoga classes but now a regular at Midlands Yoga I would rearrange my week in order never to miss a class.
Despite keeping fit and active there was still a gap in my life - work. I had an idea of where I wanted to head but spent way to long deliberating about new business names and directions. The obvious answer had been staring me in the face all along;

• Where did my passion now lie - Health & Fitness
• Which part of my business was already set up for this - Miss'Fit'
• What was I waiting for...?

I've spent years explaining to customers 'No I'm not Miss Fit' and now, well I kind of am...at least that is I will be selling a range of health and fitness clothing and accessories. As a designer I am working on a range of sportswear which will hopefully be ready early next year.

In the meantime, having found the benefits of foam rolling myself, the first stock into my online shop will be Trigger Point Grid Foam Rollers and these will be closely followed by a number of other niche and innovative fitness accessories.

Last week I spoke at a Kidney Cancer Patient Day in Birmingham (blog to follow...) and as my story hasn't been altogether plain sailing I felt I needed to find more positives to add to it. Well I reckon this is a start, a new business founded on a love of running and yoga that I found following cancer.

My 1st 10K Race

This post is a little overdue as I ran my first 10K race back on 6th September.
I chose the City of Birmingham 10K at Sutton Park as this location is one of my favourite places to run and I know the course so well. The event was put on by UKTriatholon so I knew it would be a well organised race and it would be my first experience of chip timing.

The only part of the run that I'd change in hindsight would be my starting position. When more serious runners going for times were asked to move forward I deliberately moved back in the crowd not wanting to put myself ahead of a 'proper runner'. However, knowing the course as I did I then found myself having to walk/jog for the first part of the race as there was simply no room which was a frustration.
I didn't do too badly though considering it was my first attempt (apart from a couple of trial 10ks). If you scan down the results you'll see me down there in 53rd place  although I prefer the fact I was 14th in my age category... My time was 57.39 which wasn't a personal best (that was 54.02) which is why I won't hover at the back next time. It has been noted that I obviously had more to give at the finish line as I appear to want to fly past!

What I learnt most from this event is that I am far more competitive than I'd imagined. My first outing had been running in Race for Life 5K which was predominantly a Fun Run but I'd still managed to finish in the top 10. This 10K was proof I wasn't running for fun, I was a serious competitor, I wanted to improve my time and earn my medal.
Apart from the competitive streak I've gained from running I also took part to support  The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer  In this instance the money raised would be going to Facing Up To Kidney Cancer   Inspired by Jon Birchalls' lifetime quest to raise awareness and vital funds for research into this often hidden disease.
I'm not sure that I would have started running were it not for my kidney cancer which has meant cancer has been life changing in many ways, not all negative. I certainly would never have believed that I could run 10K - let alone enjoy it.
Since this race I have run another 3 10K's and have now entered the Birmingham MoRun which is also held in Sutton Park. This time I'm not going to be as shy and start near the back, I reckon I may just about have earned 'proper runner' status.

Running For My Life

When I was about 10 years old I joined the local athletics club partly because I'd won a few sports day races and partly as my best friends Dad helped run it. Over the next few years it was decided by my trainer that 800m was my race and I continued to do well at school and county level.
That was until that same friend introduced me to Benson & Hedges and Merrydown cider which didn't compliment my sport and I began to lose interest. Although still only a teenager I thought I'd done enough and almost felt I'd grown out of athletics, if I knew then...
I really can't remember running again after that unless you count the kids parents race at school which was more wrestling than running. Oh and I did win a teeshirt from O'Neills some years ago for being fastest from the bar to the shoe shop opposite and back - not one of my finer sporting moments.
Whilst recovering from kidney cancer I've had continual back pain and issues related to my surgery which I have tried to help with physio and yoga. I still felt I could do more though, I needed to see how far I could push myself which is why I decided to try running again.
After 30 years it was a strange feeling getting back out running albeit on a road rather than a track but straight away I loved it. It was as if a light went back on and I remembered that feeling of exhilaration when you've reached a target.
As I've gradually increased my number of runs per week and my distance so it is I've relaxed into it and am feeling so many benefits. The health issues still lurk around in the background but when I'm running they pale into insignificance while I concentrate on everything but.
It's been 8 months now and I run 3 times a week usually 2.5 miles twice a week and then a 5k (I'm a dressmaker so mixing metric and imperial measurements is compulsory). I've begun to get 'the gear' even switching from my beloved adidas to asics and going out in lycra in daylight. Most essential has been my water bottle as I've discovered that one kidney needs that extra hydration, probably the only downside to running longer distances.
When I was an 800m runner and doing particularly well I had a wonderful gift from another school friend. My maiden name was Florence which led to a nickname of Flo and after a particularly good win Jenni presented me with a teeshirt with 'Seb Flo' printed on it as he was a hero of mine at the time. I mentioned my return to running to her recently and pointed out I've increased my distance and therefore I may need another teeshirt printing, maybe Flo Farah?
Earlier in the year I took part in Race For Life and completed the 5K coming in the top 10 much to my amazement. I couldn't believe the buzz I got from competing again although I know it's a charity event I was absolutely driven to keep going. I knew then I'd have to do it again which is why I've entered the City of Birmingham 10K.
Since entering I've had only one practice at the full distance with a couple of 4 mile runs thrown into my regular routine, I know it won't be easy. The thing is though, when I run everything else goes away and I'm totally in that zone, I have to keep going. I've written before that it's almost a feeling that if I keep going everything is all right, if I can run then cancer can't catch me. If only it were that simple but if ever there were a reason to run, I really am running for my life.
I'll be running my 1st (proper) 10K this weekend and money I raise through sponsorship will go towards a kidney cancer research project chosen by Facing Up to Kidney Cancer. I've received tremendous help and support from The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer and I hope I can help their charity at the same time as doing something I love.
I am running because I've had kidney cancer and not despite it and that is my biggest achievement.
If you want to donate please go to my Just Giving page.
Thanks, Debbie X

Thorn In My Side

I was on my way to Heartlands Hospital in Birmingham to have my cancer carrying kidney removed and put the car radio on to take my mind off 'things'. Thorn In My Side by Annie Lennox started playing which made me smile as it was so appropriate considering my 'predicament'.

At that time the tumor was a thorn in my side, it took my kidney and subsequently left me in poor health for some time. After two years it has become apparent that damage to my back may be irreparable and the road to recovery has taken far longer than I had anticipated.

Before kidney cancer I ran a business Missfit Creations  and life was a whirl of fashion shows, exhibitions and photoshoots which centred around my designs and sales. I was a confident, outgoing business owner who would walk the walk as far as the fashionista image went. After having multicoloured dreads for several years I had diversified to a pink mohican by the time I was suddenly taken ill.

I can't remember when it all changed because quite soon after my surgery and despite feelings of uncertainty I slipped back into the same routine. During my hospitalisation and recovery I was steadfast in my resolve that things would change most particularly my business. However, I returned to Missfit and the associations that it held and this was what would eventually become the real Thorn In My Side.

No matter how I tried, I couldn't shake the association of my business with the cancer that had changed my life. I just couldn't figure it out, I didn't fit the kidney cancer patient description, the check list was unticked in my case, why me? What if my lifestyle was the problem and that was predominantly my business.

Just a few weeks ago (I can't remember the exact date) I knew it was over. I made all the necessary calls needed and closed my business for good, Missfit Creations was no more. I thought I'd feel sadness, disappointment but nothing, just relief.

The website and logo remain in place until further notice as work on a new business is currently underway so my online presence will change shortly.

What I do still have is the remainder of my stock which all has to go asap. I could sell it all individually (and may still have to if it doesn't sell as whole stock...) but I have absolutely no incentive any more. So my aim is to sell the stock and donate 10% of the sale to The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer who have given me the support and advice I most needed when I needed it.

Cancer for me hasn't just been about surgery, it's not only the disease it has been the psychological aftermath. You don't bargain on the confidence cancer knocks out of you and in my case this impacted on my business.

I don't 'rock' a certain look anymore, the dreads and the mohawk have gone along with the outrageous clothes and all round 'out there' online image. I need to start again rather than pick up where I left off.

First though the issue of 200 items of vintage clothing & handmade designs...

10% of the sale will go to the James Whale Fund For Kidney Cancer 

Business Stock For Sale  

Talking the Plank

Before my kidney tumour made itself known I was blissfully unaware I was even remotely unwell. In fact I was on a mission to improve my general health and wellbeing as far as I could and had been exercising regularly.
Now this didn't involve a gym and I hadn't started yoga or running at that time but I did walk about 10 miles a week. I would also do some general exercises which included, the plank.
The night before I was taken ill I had been on a decent walk and returned to do a few exercises and when it came to the plank I had pushed that bit further to 2 minutes (not bad eh)? I can't remember feeling any differently and in truth wouldn't know for sure that this was what kicked off the bleed but, in the absence of any other explanation it's a decent guess.
So many times I've asked the question 'Why?' and doctor's have said there's no solid explanation but they haven't dismissed that by pushing myself that bit further the night before the dreaded plank may have done me a favour.
Fast forward to February this year and I finally (after talking about it for ages) began a yoga class. I'd been having physiotherapy for pain in my lower back resulting from my surgery and yoga had been suggested as a way of helping manage that pain.
I went along to Midlands Yoga not really knowing what to expect but having a preconception that the moves would be very steady and relaxing. What I hadn't counted on was that one of those 'moves' would involve taking on 'The Plank'

Now don't get me wrong, the yoga class was fantastic so much so that I've returned weekly ever since, what I haven't done is reveal my fear of the plank. It wasn't until I came to strike that pose that I realised the significance of it, this is what could potentially have saved my life. The fear stems from knowing that it could possibly have helped start the massive hemorrhage that led to the discovery of my kidney cancer.
I guess I'll never know but this week, for the first time I went into plank position and that fear didn't cross my mind. Maybe I've finally overcome it, another psychological hurdle over.
Yoga for me has been about so many things, managing the back pain, strengthening muscles, better posture, helping with sleep and relaxation etc. One of my personal goals is to once again be able to touch my toes which I've not managed yet but I'm enjoying doing headstands again after over 35 years.
I hadn't imagined it would also help to take away some of the pain associated with my memories of when kidney cancer changed my life, but it has. (Thanks Gemma xxx)