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Thursday, 30 April 2015

Last Day First Tears

Friday here, the last full day of our holiday. As I lay listening too the sea in the early morning a wave of sadness came over me, partly for what I was leaving and also for what I was returning to. I know the appointment has been made and the letter containing it waits for me.
Today has been the first without full sunshine, the clouds are heavy and the wind has picked up making the sea darker,  moodier.  I love the elements and the walk along the beach is exhilarating, you feel so alive with the sea roaring, wind against you and rain on your face. It's the perfect day for my own mood, my tears are coming.

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Never Again...

Ugh...It must've been the 3rd glass but I woke with an awful headache at 3.30am. I did manage to get back to sleep for a while but 5.30am and I'm in the wide awake club with my mind in overdrive and my head pounding. Back to fruit juice from now on.
It's a another  beautiful sunny day here and with nothing to do and nowhere to go the mini hangover  is easy enough to shake off. Walks on the beach with the dogs, exploring the local lanes which lead towards the mountains and simply sunbathing has taken my mind (and headache) elsewhere.
This is the day where you find your way around,  get accustomed to the surroundings and start your holiday properly. Unpack, get organised and then relax. Just wish I hadn't packed that rose wine!
The evening has been spent listening to music and the sound of the waves outside the window, perfect. Tonight I'm  going go sleep well.


Saturday 18th April and we've arrived at our remote holiday bungalow on a beach in north Wales,it's breathtakingly beautiful. In front of us only a 100m away the sea, calm today as the weather is gorgeous. Behind us and at either side is the Snowdonia mountain range, it really is an area of outstanding natural beauty.
I haven't slept well for a few nights, unusual for me as I'm normally asleep within minutes of climbing into bed. No matter how much I try and push thoughts of my forthcoming breast cancer screening away, they seem to be able to creep back - mostly in the dead of night. Therefore I'm hoping being here, away from everything I will get a decent nights sleep, I am so tired.
I've not had any alcohol for a while, it wasn't a conscious decision, I suppose I simply got out of the habit. Prior to kidney cancer I was fond of a glass or 2 of red wine on week nights  (ok...occasionally 3) and could finish of several bottles of corona on a night out. Not drinking post surgery meant I gradually became a real lightweight in the drinking stakes until eventually I just stopped wanting a drink, mainly due to horrendous hangovers when I tried it. Now it simply doesn't bother me and I'm more partial to fruit juice than merlot.
However, I'm on holiday and having not slept for the past few nights I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a couple of glasses of wine . Therefore I've bought along some wishy washy rose,  I can handle that...


I am writing this as it unfolds but won't publish until I have an answer.
When I began my kidney cancer journey I recorded events as they occurred but made them public retrospectively. At that time, my cancer arrived unannounced and I needed time for the shock to sink in and so I wrote everything  down to help me take it all in. The purpose had not been to share this public diary but in doing so I hope it has helped others going through similar.
I didn't anticipate a second cancer scare but unfortunately this is what I'm facing right now.
The date is Friday 17th April and I've had to see a GP because I've found a lump in my right  breast. It was a couple of days ago and although I didn't dismiss it, I hesitated to say anything as I don't want to waste anyone's time.
The doctor examined me and  confirmed that she could feel a small lump there, I'd hoped she'd say it was something and nothing. However, given my medical history and that my Mom has had breast cancer it was inevitable I suppose that I would have to be referred.
The doctor requested an appointment  there and then for me to attend  Burton hospital asap. The problem is that I am due to go on holiday tomorrow so it'll have to wait a week, hence the limbo.
At this stage I've told no one except my husband as there's  really no point in worrying anyone else at this stage. I mean, it's all going to be fine, isn't it?