Superstition

I can't  pass a magpie without greeting it and all of its family and friends. The usual things are avoided, walking on cracks, going under ladders etc but then there's the 'made up ' ridiculous rituals that can drive you crazy. Only cooking with even numbers; 2 onions, 6 mushrooms, 4 potatoes etc, use 3 carrots and somethings bound to go wrong, right?  Never turning inside out clothes the right way round, asking for trouble.  Making sure the volume on the radio or tv  is an even number, touching every other lamp post on the way home,  I could go on but they only get more bizarre.
Being away from it all I am more relaxed plus there aren't any magpies and I'm not sure you need to greet seagulls. 
When I woke this morning and lay a moment, realising where I was and hearing the waves on the shore outside I felt a wonderful  sense of calm. Then I remembered the lump and that's when the superstition  game kicked in. If I feel to check it's still there, it's bad. If I can ignore it all day it's harmless. How f***ing ridiculous.
So its now gone 6pm and the games over, I check and the lumps still there but so are the waves crashing on the shore outside. Nothing's changed and no amount of even numbers, birds or cracked pavements will alter the outcome of this latest 'test'.

Last Day First Tears

Friday here, the last full day of our holiday. As I lay listening too the sea in the early morning a wave of sadness came over me, partly for what I was leaving and also for what I was returning to. I know the appointment has been made and the letter containing it waits for me.
Today has been the first without full sunshine, the clouds are heavy and the wind has picked up making the sea darker,  moodier.  I love the elements and the walk along the beach is exhilarating, you feel so alive with the sea roaring, wind against you and rain on your face. It's the perfect day for my own mood, my tears are coming.

Never Again...

Ugh...It must've been the 3rd glass but I woke with an awful headache at 3.30am. I did manage to get back to sleep for a while but 5.30am and I'm in the wide awake club with my mind in overdrive and my head pounding. Back to fruit juice from now on.
It's a another  beautiful sunny day here and with nothing to do and nowhere to go the mini hangover  is easy enough to shake off. Walks on the beach with the dogs, exploring the local lanes which lead towards the mountains and simply sunbathing has taken my mind (and headache) elsewhere.
This is the day where you find your way around,  get accustomed to the surroundings and start your holiday properly. Unpack, get organised and then relax. Just wish I hadn't packed that rose wine!
The evening has been spent listening to music and the sound of the waves outside the window, perfect. Tonight I'm  going go sleep well.

Escape

Saturday 18th April and we've arrived at our remote holiday bungalow on a beach in north Wales,it's breathtakingly beautiful. In front of us only a 100m away the sea, calm today as the weather is gorgeous. Behind us and at either side is the Snowdonia mountain range, it really is an area of outstanding natural beauty.
I haven't slept well for a few nights, unusual for me as I'm normally asleep within minutes of climbing into bed. No matter how much I try and push thoughts of my forthcoming breast cancer screening away, they seem to be able to creep back - mostly in the dead of night. Therefore I'm hoping being here, away from everything I will get a decent nights sleep, I am so tired.
I've not had any alcohol for a while, it wasn't a conscious decision, I suppose I simply got out of the habit. Prior to kidney cancer I was fond of a glass or 2 of red wine on week nights  (ok...occasionally 3) and could finish of several bottles of corona on a night out. Not drinking post surgery meant I gradually became a real lightweight in the drinking stakes until eventually I just stopped wanting a drink, mainly due to horrendous hangovers when I tried it. Now it simply doesn't bother me and I'm more partial to fruit juice than merlot.
However, I'm on holiday and having not slept for the past few nights I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a couple of glasses of wine . Therefore I've bought along some wishy washy rose,  I can handle that...

Limbo

I am writing this as it unfolds but won't publish until I have an answer.
When I began my kidney cancer journey I recorded events as they occurred but made them public retrospectively. At that time, my cancer arrived unannounced and I needed time for the shock to sink in and so I wrote everything  down to help me take it all in. The purpose had not been to share this public diary but in doing so I hope it has helped others going through similar.
I didn't anticipate a second cancer scare but unfortunately this is what I'm facing right now.
The date is Friday 17th April and I've had to see a GP because I've found a lump in my right  breast. It was a couple of days ago and although I didn't dismiss it, I hesitated to say anything as I don't want to waste anyone's time.
The doctor examined me and  confirmed that she could feel a small lump there, I'd hoped she'd say it was something and nothing. However, given my medical history and that my Mom has had breast cancer it was inevitable I suppose that I would have to be referred.
The doctor requested an appointment  there and then for me to attend  Burton hospital asap. The problem is that I am due to go on holiday tomorrow so it'll have to wait a week, hence the limbo.
At this stage I've told no one except my husband as there's  really no point in worrying anyone else at this stage. I mean, it's all going to be fine, isn't it?

Two Years with 1 Kidney Just Keeps Getting Better

This time two years ago I was in an operating theatre having my left kidney removed in a surgery that lasted five and a half hours.
Today I was up and out at 5.30am for a 2 mile run and I'll shortly be off to yoga to rid some of the aches and pains I have from my first netball practice in 30 years this week. I haven't felt this fit and healthy since, well probably since I last played netball which was at school.
When I read back my blog post from 12 months ago I see that I wasn't in such a good place. Surgery did take it's toll on me and although I tried to deny it, so did cancer. Complications with back pain meant my journey back to health hasn't been as straightforward as I would want.
However, I was determined to put kidney cancer behind me and saw the best way to forge ahead was to become as fit as I possibly could.
My memories of the day I joined the 'Mono Kidney Club' are still clear. It was snowing and in the car on the way Thorn in my Side was playing (very apt...). I can recall the gown I wore, meeting the surgeon in a tiny room where I was fascinated with his tiny hands (a good thing for a surgeon I think) and he dropped all his paperwork on the floor (not a good thing...). Being led from room to room, being asked which kidney was being removed (a little freaky as I hoped they'd know) and then having to climb onto the operating table myself which seemed really bizarre.
One of the things that struck me most was the anaesthetist admiring my sleeve tattoo and preferring to hook my other arm up rather than pierce the tattooed one.
Since my surgery I have had more work done on my sleeve, in particular I've had a kidney tattooed into it. I chose to have a kidney made up of leaf shapes and coloured green as this is the colour that represents kidney cancer awareness.

Right now I'm in a far better place than I have been in over two years. Even before I became ill, albeit suddenly I wasn't aware of how precious my health was and looking back I can see I was complacent with life in general.
Today I feel stronger, more determined and happier than I have in a long time. There are many debates about the question of whether cancer can be affected by your state of mind and I'm not about to enter into any of them. I can only say that my own strength of mind has helped pull me through this cancer ordeal. As for healthy mind, healthy body, it 's working for me.

2 Years in the Mono Kidney Club

Today will mark 2 years since I discovered I had kidney cancer after waking up and hemorrhaging from the tumor inside my left kidney. Shortly after I had surgery to remove the cancer and the kidney and there began a new lease of life.
I have reread my 12 month reflection on  this life changing event and realise how much difference a year can make. Back then it was still raw in my mind and I was still suffering painful reminders with ongoing pain.
In an effort to put the experience behind me as far as I possibly could I had moved hospital trusts and been discharged from consultant care preferring to see only my GP. I didn't want continuing check up reminders nor did I want to return to a CT machine regularly. Instead I went for the 'if it ain't broken why fix it' option whereby I would seek medical advice if I was unwell rather than 'because' I'd been unwell.
When I read other accounts of cancer discoveries I'm struck by how often there is a prolonged waiting, suffering and not knowing period. I was lucky I din't know and didn't have to wait or suffer till I woke up on Wednesday 13th march 2013 and Wham!
In sharing my journey on this blog I have been fortunate to cross paths with others going through similar and follow their progress also. I am struck by how incredible some of those accounts are. In particular is Lisanne Vos who's own experience is awe inspiring and can be read here Are You Kidneying Me  I have kept in touch with other members of the 'Mono Kidney Club' who's stoicism and bravery is incredible and has without a doubt inspired me to push on when things have become tough.
One of the best pieces of advice I received when my cancer was discovered was from a GP who said, 'Don't Google It!' This was after leaving hospital following surgery and having 101 unanswered questions about kidney cancer. Unfortunately as is usually the case when someone says 'Don't do it...' I have to push that button. In my case though I skipped the patient information links and settled on The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer  This charity has been a Godsend and by it's phone help line and website advice has helped keep me informed and positive.
I was going to write a Hopes & Fears kind of blog today but the truth is the fears would just be stating the bleeding obvious.
As for hopes, I have many but I've learnt that sometimes sharing them isn't always a good idea, especially if they don't come to fruition. I have many though, hopes, dreams and goals. One of which I reached yesterday having starting running a few months ago I took 30 seconds off my personal best time which was a big achievement. I don't compare with other runners as I prefer to run my own race in my own time which I have done pretty much with this kidney cancer battle. Apart from the incredible love and support my family have given and some wonderful friends, this was a personal fight and one that only I can conquer.
My Mono Kidney Club experience has not been easy but 2 years on I can see that without it my life may not be as focused and positive as it is now. Losing a kidney to cancer isn't something I'd want to go through again but I have to take the positives and there are many.
2 years, 1 kidney, they're only numbers. The here and now is, I'm here and now is the time to get on with life and live it to the full.