Last Day First Tears

Friday here, the last full day of our holiday. As I lay listening too the sea in the early morning a wave of sadness came over me, partly for what I was leaving and also for what I was returning to. I know the appointment has been made and the letter containing it waits for me.
Today has been the first without full sunshine, the clouds are heavy and the wind has picked up making the sea darker,  moodier.  I love the elements and the walk along the beach is exhilarating, you feel so alive with the sea roaring, wind against you and rain on your face. It's the perfect day for my own mood, my tears are coming.

Never Again...

Ugh...It must've been the 3rd glass but I woke with an awful headache at 3.30am. I did manage to get back to sleep for a while but 5.30am and I'm in the wide awake club with my mind in overdrive and my head pounding. Back to fruit juice from now on.
It's a another  beautiful sunny day here and with nothing to do and nowhere to go the mini hangover  is easy enough to shake off. Walks on the beach with the dogs, exploring the local lanes which lead towards the mountains and simply sunbathing has taken my mind (and headache) elsewhere.
This is the day where you find your way around,  get accustomed to the surroundings and start your holiday properly. Unpack, get organised and then relax. Just wish I hadn't packed that rose wine!
The evening has been spent listening to music and the sound of the waves outside the window, perfect. Tonight I'm  going go sleep well.

Escape

Saturday 18th April and we've arrived at our remote holiday bungalow on a beach in north Wales,it's breathtakingly beautiful. In front of us only a 100m away the sea, calm today as the weather is gorgeous. Behind us and at either side is the Snowdonia mountain range, it really is an area of outstanding natural beauty.
I haven't slept well for a few nights, unusual for me as I'm normally asleep within minutes of climbing into bed. No matter how much I try and push thoughts of my forthcoming breast cancer screening away, they seem to be able to creep back - mostly in the dead of night. Therefore I'm hoping being here, away from everything I will get a decent nights sleep, I am so tired.
I've not had any alcohol for a while, it wasn't a conscious decision, I suppose I simply got out of the habit. Prior to kidney cancer I was fond of a glass or 2 of red wine on week nights  (ok...occasionally 3) and could finish of several bottles of corona on a night out. Not drinking post surgery meant I gradually became a real lightweight in the drinking stakes until eventually I just stopped wanting a drink, mainly due to horrendous hangovers when I tried it. Now it simply doesn't bother me and I'm more partial to fruit juice than merlot.
However, I'm on holiday and having not slept for the past few nights I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a couple of glasses of wine . Therefore I've bought along some wishy washy rose,  I can handle that...

Limbo

I am writing this as it unfolds but won't publish until I have an answer.
When I began my kidney cancer journey I recorded events as they occurred but made them public retrospectively. At that time, my cancer arrived unannounced and I needed time for the shock to sink in and so I wrote everything  down to help me take it all in. The purpose had not been to share this public diary but in doing so I hope it has helped others going through similar.
I didn't anticipate a second cancer scare but unfortunately this is what I'm facing right now.
The date is Friday 17th April and I've had to see a GP because I've found a lump in my right  breast. It was a couple of days ago and although I didn't dismiss it, I hesitated to say anything as I don't want to waste anyone's time.
The doctor examined me and  confirmed that she could feel a small lump there, I'd hoped she'd say it was something and nothing. However, given my medical history and that my Mom has had breast cancer it was inevitable I suppose that I would have to be referred.
The doctor requested an appointment  there and then for me to attend  Burton hospital asap. The problem is that I am due to go on holiday tomorrow so it'll have to wait a week, hence the limbo.
At this stage I've told no one except my husband as there's  really no point in worrying anyone else at this stage. I mean, it's all going to be fine, isn't it?

Two Years with 1 Kidney Just Keeps Getting Better

This time two years ago I was in an operating theatre having my left kidney removed in a surgery that lasted five and a half hours.
Today I was up and out at 5.30am for a 2 mile run and I'll shortly be off to yoga to rid some of the aches and pains I have from my first netball practice in 30 years this week. I haven't felt this fit and healthy since, well probably since I last played netball which was at school.
When I read back my blog post from 12 months ago I see that I wasn't in such a good place. Surgery did take it's toll on me and although I tried to deny it, so did cancer. Complications with back pain meant my journey back to health hasn't been as straightforward as I would want.
However, I was determined to put kidney cancer behind me and saw the best way to forge ahead was to become as fit as I possibly could.
My memories of the day I joined the 'Mono Kidney Club' are still clear. It was snowing and in the car on the way Thorn in my Side was playing (very apt...). I can recall the gown I wore, meeting the surgeon in a tiny room where I was fascinated with his tiny hands (a good thing for a surgeon I think) and he dropped all his paperwork on the floor (not a good thing...). Being led from room to room, being asked which kidney was being removed (a little freaky as I hoped they'd know) and then having to climb onto the operating table myself which seemed really bizarre.
One of the things that struck me most was the anaesthetist admiring my sleeve tattoo and preferring to hook my other arm up rather than pierce the tattooed one.
Since my surgery I have had more work done on my sleeve, in particular I've had a kidney tattooed into it. I chose to have a kidney made up of leaf shapes and coloured green as this is the colour that represents kidney cancer awareness.

Right now I'm in a far better place than I have been in over two years. Even before I became ill, albeit suddenly I wasn't aware of how precious my health was and looking back I can see I was complacent with life in general.
Today I feel stronger, more determined and happier than I have in a long time. There are many debates about the question of whether cancer can be affected by your state of mind and I'm not about to enter into any of them. I can only say that my own strength of mind has helped pull me through this cancer ordeal. As for healthy mind, healthy body, it 's working for me.

2 Years in the Mono Kidney Club

Today will mark 2 years since I discovered I had kidney cancer after waking up and hemorrhaging from the tumor inside my left kidney. Shortly after I had surgery to remove the cancer and the kidney and there began a new lease of life.
I have reread my 12 month reflection on  this life changing event and realise how much difference a year can make. Back then it was still raw in my mind and I was still suffering painful reminders with ongoing pain.
In an effort to put the experience behind me as far as I possibly could I had moved hospital trusts and been discharged from consultant care preferring to see only my GP. I didn't want continuing check up reminders nor did I want to return to a CT machine regularly. Instead I went for the 'if it ain't broken why fix it' option whereby I would seek medical advice if I was unwell rather than 'because' I'd been unwell.
When I read other accounts of cancer discoveries I'm struck by how often there is a prolonged waiting, suffering and not knowing period. I was lucky I din't know and didn't have to wait or suffer till I woke up on Wednesday 13th march 2013 and Wham!
In sharing my journey on this blog I have been fortunate to cross paths with others going through similar and follow their progress also. I am struck by how incredible some of those accounts are. In particular is Lisanne Vos who's own experience is awe inspiring and can be read here Are You Kidneying Me  I have kept in touch with other members of the 'Mono Kidney Club' who's stoicism and bravery is incredible and has without a doubt inspired me to push on when things have become tough.
One of the best pieces of advice I received when my cancer was discovered was from a GP who said, 'Don't Google It!' This was after leaving hospital following surgery and having 101 unanswered questions about kidney cancer. Unfortunately as is usually the case when someone says 'Don't do it...' I have to push that button. In my case though I skipped the patient information links and settled on The James Whale Fund for Kidney Cancer  This charity has been a Godsend and by it's phone help line and website advice has helped keep me informed and positive.
I was going to write a Hopes & Fears kind of blog today but the truth is the fears would just be stating the bleeding obvious.
As for hopes, I have many but I've learnt that sometimes sharing them isn't always a good idea, especially if they don't come to fruition. I have many though, hopes, dreams and goals. One of which I reached yesterday having starting running a few months ago I took 30 seconds off my personal best time which was a big achievement. I don't compare with other runners as I prefer to run my own race in my own time which I have done pretty much with this kidney cancer battle. Apart from the incredible love and support my family have given and some wonderful friends, this was a personal fight and one that only I can conquer.
My Mono Kidney Club experience has not been easy but 2 years on I can see that without it my life may not be as focused and positive as it is now. Losing a kidney to cancer isn't something I'd want to go through again but I have to take the positives and there are many.
2 years, 1 kidney, they're only numbers. The here and now is, I'm here and now is the time to get on with life and live it to the full.

Telling it Straight

I was a bit lost the last time I wrote this as being 18 months post surgery and still experiencing pain was beginning to grate. I've mentioned before that I am fortunate enough to have an excellent GP who referred me to an orthopedic consultant and the visit to her was enlightening, just before this though I had to have an MRI scan - which I found really traumatic

Having had 3 or 4 CT scans I thought the MRI would be straight forward but hadn't banked on the high pitched noise and my nerves which combined meant I ended up in tears asking them to stop it. So embarrassing...they had to restart once I'd composed myself. I'm still not sure why I got so upset as having gone through so much already I wouldn't have thought another scan would phase me but it hit me all of a sudden, freaky.

The results came through while I was with the orthopedic consultant and thankfully there was nothing irregular showing other than expected 'wear and tear'. I'd already learnt that my time on the operating table had meant being twisted and turned and that my kidney had been more difficult to remove due to the tumor hemorrhaging and causing it to stick...gross. So I can live with wear and tear, literally.

Fast forward to my first physio appointment and there was the biggest revelation, I was crooked! When asked to measure either side from the bottom of my ribcage to the top of my hipbone, the left hand side was significantly shorter than the right. I had in part been protecting my wound and then leaning to the left which was placing strain on my right hand side.

I can recall vividly the day after my surgery being asked by the ward physio to climb out of bed and walk to the window - 3 beds length. This had been the most difficult and excruciatingly painful experience and I'd had to sit at the end of each bed. Once accomplished, this was the extent of my post surgery physiotherapy and I was signed off. Although I spent a further 5 days in hospital I had no further physiotherapy and neither was it discussed. 

Once home I'd struggled to walk for some considerable time and so can see how I'd begun to lean over and protect the area most painful. I'm not going over again the issues I had with my consultant surgeon but lets just say his dismissal of any subsequent pain having anything to do with his surgery was absolute and final. This led to my dismissal of him and the reason I switched hospital trusts.

I have continued with physiotherapy exercises over the past 3 months and at my last appointment this week I was signed off. I think having shown that I was committed to doing the exercises regularly and the improvements these have made both led to my sign off as I have tremendous resolve and a great deal of will power to get back to 'normal'. The physiotherapist has given me a new lease of life in as much as I'm no longer afraid to try exercises and have a better understanding of where the pain is coming from. For this I am very grateful.

As far as pain goes I'm not entirely free, but there are other reasons for this. Going back to when the pain was unbearable, even to sit, I was prescribed Gabapentin which is, amongst other things to treat neuropathic pain such as I was experiencing. My dose gradually increased as the pain did and I was taking 900mg per day on top of which I would also have Tramadol when it became unbearable. From the day I started physiotherapy and learnt about my posture problems I decided that if I could correct what was wrong then I could wean myself off the painkillers. And I have.

Over the past few weeks I have gradually decreased the dosage until last week when I stopped taking them altogether. 

This is something I'm sharing on here before even telling the doctor, I've made an appointment but I needed to see if there were consequences before I confessed. I can't say the pain has gone as I can feel it even now however, I am managing it better. I truly believe that much of this is down to maintaining a positive outlook and a little is me being able to identify where the pain is and controlling it with movement. The one thing I couldn't face was the thought of being drug dependant indefinitely. Before I became ill I hardly ever took anything apart from the occasional anadin extra (usually for a hangover). Now I don't drink and I want to be mindful of what other toxins my remaining kidney may have to process and Gabapentin had to go.

I have every intention of continuing with a fitness regime as my confidence has grown with the physiotherapy and today I started yoga classes. I did attend one a few months back but just wasn't ready as I didn't know what was causing the pain or if I might be exacerbating it. I also began running last October and now average 9min per mile regularly running 3 times a week.

The next hurdle will be my 2 year scan in March but once I've skipped over that I'll be back on the straight and narrow, no turning back.